And it’s pretty much the ugliest thing I’ve ever made. Seriously. I don’t know what to do, and I can’t stop crying.

And… blarf.

It was just supposed to be shoe shopping. I figured… Payless. In and out. Everyone can find something there, even me with the wide feet and stupid arches inherited by my mother.

But no. the girls with the perfect feet and the disposable incomes wanted to go to all the HIGH END BOUTIQUE shoe stores and look at eight inch heels covered in what looked to be Ultrasuede. The first thing I asked Chal after I acceped this Maid of Honor position was ‘I don’t have to wear heels, do I? Because I’ll totally fall off them and ruin the wedding because, ambulances don’t exactly say fun times’ But today she kept pushing heels on me. she was all ‘You don’t HAVE to wear heels, but I highly suggest you try’ in this snotty voice and right now I kind of want to throttle her every time I see her. And it wound up being a two hour excursion in the mall, which I hate.  Because malls and me? We aren’t friends. I wasn’t invited to the mall’s birthday party, and when I got a maybe-boyfriend, I didn’t even call the mall to tell it. We’re just not close.

And then. AND THEN. We went to pick up her wedding dress, and it didn’t fit. Because GUESS WHAT? When you take two different fat blocker pills, a laxative tea, diet shakes, this super sketch magic weight loss potion shit from the vitamin store, safflower oil pills, and god knows what else… AFTER you take your dress in to be altered… it’s not going to fit two weeks later.

 
We already know my stance on her weight-loss. I’ve been over this already, but whatever. She’s happy. Good for her, hooray, she’s on her way to becoming svelte or whatever. But now her dress is too big in the front, too loose in the straps, and there’s a gaping space in the back. and guess what? It can’t be altered any smaller  because of beading and boning. So then we had to drive over creation looking for some way to at least fill out the front of it so it wouldn’t fall down or something. While I entertained her cranky child because I don’t have anything better to do with my days. And I told her that her dress wouldn’t fit, yet she kept going ‘I can’t believe this! how did this happen?’

Really?


So to recap… today I wound up buying black wedges with a bow on the toes (super cute, but only comfortable enough to wear for the ceremony and pictures. after that, I’m doing the reception in my little no-show sock things and skimming over the floor like Tom Cruise), and EIGHT accessory grab bags from Ardene (because they were 2/$5 so I got 46 accessory pieces for less than $25 and SO MANY HAIR BOWS! *girly squee!* and also I deserved it, damn it), and had to bite my lip really really hard to keep from telling Chal ‘I told you so’ every time she seemed all gaspy and shocked about her dress.


Because I FUCKING TOLD HER SO. I told her to stop using diet products. Just keep eating healthy and sure, use your shakes. That’s less crazy than forty different pills and liquids and oils and teas and fucking… voodoo witchcraft.

 .__.

I am cranky and it’s almost 30 degrees here and it’s CANADA. WE ARE NOT BUILT FOR THIS.

Oh also? 3 hours sleep. Max.

So now I’m going to eat ice cream, look at all the pretty jewelry and hairbows I got in my surprise bags, and probably take off my jeans because seriously, my ass is sweating.

If you go, bring tissues, or get extra napkins from the snack bar. I’m serious. My FATHER cried.